Guruvananda

Money was never a problem. Let us be realistic - even if it is an ashram money is required for the day to day running, the food and the various other necessities. there was no dearth of followers who wanted to donate to the running of the Ashram. Over a period of time I realised that it was their way of atoning  whatever transgressions they felt they had committed. To their mind they were bribing the higher force to assuage their feelings of guilt. It was not that they would not commit any sins later in life. Up to that moment whatever faults they perceived they had committed they wanted a clean slate. Tomorrow was another day. They lived for the moment.
On many days I protested about this to the guruji. He smiled and said "it is enough that people are aware that they have strayed from the path of righteousness. If not today then tomorrow or the day after that they will realise that their existence on this earth is momentary - and when they do - then that is the time that they will stop making these mistakes and try to atone their sins permanently". Over a period of time not many attained this knowledge of good and bad. But the swamiji was a patient man and was at a much higher plane than any of us.His capacity to forgive was unlimited.

Earlier
When I had decided to join the Ashram, it was in anger and a feeling of rejection from the society in general and my wife in particular. I had started out with the zeal that I would help people and ameliorate their feelings of sadness.The first few days were very difficult for me. I have lived an active life and was surrounded by love and laughter at home and camaraderie and brotherhood while serving in the army. Here at the Ashram I was strictly left alone. It was like entering a different country altogether - the only similarity with my previous life in the army being the routine that never changed. Waking up at four - attending to our morning ablutions - meditation for an hour - discourse for another hour by the Swamiji - an hour of contemplation - breakfast - and then on with the preparation for receiving the throng of devotees who came from all over the country. By the time the prayers and meetings were over and lunch was done with we would be exhausted with all the cleaning that we had to do after the devotees left. All to soon it would be time for evening meditation - a light dinner and we were left to our own devices till four 'o' clock the next morning.
I did a lot of other duties. Cleaning up the general area working in the kitchen washing up the bathrooms and washing of clothes. Initially I felt bad about some of the duties but when I saw others who were there at the ashram take pride in their duties I also started accepting it as a part of life . Time is a great healer . Over a period of time the humiliation that my wife meted out to me dimmed and as they say in the modern parlance - it got archived. You never forget. It is a human failing that you never forget. But the memories get dimmed. Once in a while when my relations visited me the wounds opened anew.

It was the custom of the Ashram that one of the inmates used to spend time with the guru for an entire week. Soon it was my time to look after the needs of the guru. I had anxiously waited for this day. as I had a lot of questions to ask the guru. The moment I entered his presence I felt an odd sense of well being." Why do people feel the need for revenge"? was my first question, The Swamiji smiled and his reply was " A human is a bundle of contradictions; Sometimes he feels love sometimes he feels loathing and sometimes he feels morally right, It also depends on his upbringing and his feeling of a particular action - whether it is right or wrong, If his mind justifies an action as right - even though he knows in his heart it is wrong he still goes ahead and does that particular action. Similarly if he feels that someone is not agreeing to his way of doing things then he gets impatient with that person. This opposition to his action engenders a feeling of anger and intolerance. and it is this which makes a human behave irrationally. This irrationality may manifest itself into violence. At that time he may want to hurt the other person. In your case you felt that your wife had done wrong by leaving you. But have you analysed your own actions? Do you realise that something that you had done has made your wife behave in the manner that she did? Since you have unilaterally taken the decision that it is your wife who is at fault you feel that she should be punished and this is what is called revenge. Revenge eats away at your rationality and since you were powerless to do anything constructive you have come here to join me. Not for any altruistic reasons but because the ridicule that you felt that your family and friends may heap upon you . and this was unacceptable to you. My next question of course was - " So should I go back to my former life?" The swamiji said " My son whatever happens happens for the good. You have taken a conscious decision to break away from your previous life - now if you feel that you have to go back then again it is your decision. I can only guide you ; I cannot impose upon you. Do what you feel is right."
After that conversation I thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that  my actions needed to be more pacific. I needed to exorcise my demons . Going back to my previous life was not an option. But what was an option was to continue in my present life. I meditated long and hard over this fact and went back to Guruji to tell him of my decision. But when I went to him - his smile said it all. He knew of my decision. The unspoken words spoke volumes. With tears in my eyes I embraced the feet of my guru. It was then that he christened me Guruvananda - one who was a joy to the guru. For the next so many months I single mindedly served my guru and as an extension served the humanity. Someday I hope to gain complete satisfaction serving my guru - for is it not said:-
GURUR BRAHMA GURUR VISHNU : GURUR DEVO MAHESHWARA:
GURUR SAKSHAT PARABRAHMA : TASMAI SHRI GURUVE NAMAHA