A Different Neeraja

Life till then was going well - considering... that - a few years back when her children were still young her husband had passed away. He was a brilliant scientist who was working in one of the top projects of the country. As a young man who had joined the government research lab , his genius was spotted very early. Things started moving fast . He was soon offered and - subsequently accepted the job at the secret facility. She was a starry eyed young girl who considered herself lucky to net such a brilliant person. Like all geniuses he was an impatient and sensitive person and easily frustrated when things did not go his way. In the process to deaden his feelings he started drinking heavily. The consumption of alcohol gave him a feeling of invincibility and creativity. according to him some of his best work happened when his senses were heightened with alcohol . Often in moments of sobriety he used to marvel at his own creations when he reviewed them. Soon whenever he felt that he was caught up in a problem he started drinking to find the solution.
As was inevitable he began to start his day with alcohol. He found that partly it reduced the hangover from the previous evening and this in turn helped him face the day with renewed vigor. Along the way he did not notice the unhappiness that his drinking was causing his wife and child. During one of his drunken gropings his son was born - an autistic child. The wife brought up the children single handedly with little or no help from her husband. There were fights - with the wife insisting that he desist from drinking and he trying to reassure her that it was a pastime which he could give up anytime that he felt like... She had no one to turn to. Her mother passed away at an early stage due to cancer. After her marriage, she had in her arrogance belittled her father and her brothers. Now when she could have done with help and support of her relatives, no one was willing to support her nor help her. Her life had become a living hell. Even in such circumstances she was too proud to seek assistance from them.
And then the expected happened. Her husband, while at work - one day suddenly collapsed. He was immediately removed to the hospital. where it was diagnosed that he had suffered from a severe heart attack. While immediate life saving measures were instituted, the effects of prolonged alcohol abuse started manifesting themselves and from there it was totally downhill with him dying due to multi organ failure.
Were it not for her close school friend Ramona, she would have given up a long time before. Her friend helped her to overcome this personal tragedy. With the money from her husbands office she relocated to her home town of Hyderabad . She invested wisely and bought a flat close to her parents' residence. Not that it made any difference to her relations with them. The bitterness and alienation was complete. In small ways she tried to make amends. Her father came round after a few years. The lure of the grand children was too strong for the old man to resist. She started teaching in the school her father had set up. However the funds did not last long. She was forced to take up a job at a reputed semi government institution.People were nice and considering her plight, they were sympathetic and patient with her.
It was a difficult task of juggling her job,and bringing up her children alongside. But somehow she managed to do it.The years passed. Ramona her best friend settled abroad. The children stopped depending upon her for everything. At least the daughter.She grew into a comely young women who had inherited her mother's looks and her father's brains. The son was a different story altogether. From thee childhood he was slow on the uptake and was diagnosed with autism. With his mother's patience and extra attention,he, however managed to scrape through the classes and had reached his senior secondary class.
All through this period the only person she was in touch with was her friend Ramona. Whenever Ramona was in India she always made it a point to visit her friend. As a  result of these visits,a warm friendship developed between Ramona and her friend's daughter. She always made it a point to guide the child and at the same time enjoin upon her to look after her mother and brother. One day in a year and conversation over the phone was how Ramona kept in touch with Neeraja. But that one morning brought back so many memories. It was the same every year.
Until that fateful day in 2010. As was her wont Ramona went to meet her friend Neeraja that morning. That day was different. The moment she entered Neeraja's home she knew that something was different. Her friend did not greet her with the usual effusiveness. In fact she seemed withdrawn and distant. "Probably work pressure" thought Ramona. But then the visit went from bad to worse. When Ramona in her forthright manner inquired what was wrong, she was in for a shock. Neeraja accused her of  coming there to rob her jewelry and went on further to say that she was encouraging Neeraja's daughter to consort with unsavory elements, To say that Ramona was shocked was putting it mildly. Somehow she managed to keep her counsel to herself and escaped from her friend at the earliest.
That day she was very restless and kept wondering as to what had happened to her friend and why she was behaving in the manner that she did; Whatever the cause she resolved to get to the heart of the matter . The only drawback was that she did not have the time to do so.  She was scheduled to leave the country soon....  

The Encounter

"He is an interesting person said my friend." We were on our way to meet a friend of my friend. Over the past few years he has been busy with his photography. He is self taught and has gained repute  as an excellent photographer. He has the capability to bring his photos alive.He is in great demand for his ability to add vibrancy to the photos he clicks. How did you meet him ? I asked. My friend said    " oh he is a very eccentric character and when I met him first, it was hate at first sight. He thought I was an inefficient and stuck up person and I felt that he was overrated.  We were both young and still finding our feet in this big bad world. I was jumping at any opportunity to make money.A project for a photo shoot came our way . He was looking for a creative mind with the ability to tell a story and I was looking for someone who would bring to life my ideas. "so how did you two gel?" I asked; My friend laughed and said " oh we did not gel at all. But one thing was sure - we both realised that we require each other if we were to make the project at hand a success. When we first met, it was with barely concealed contempt that we regarded each other. Since it was a small project we did not have many people involved to begin with. And so started the uneasy relationship. In the beginning we shot down each others' ideas and dismissed them as stupid and laughable. There could not be two people who were poles apart. I preferred planning things down to the last detail - he wanted to jump into action impulsively. I wanted things in place in advance and he wanted to start off and tackle the obstacles as they came along. I wanted to be in charge of the execution and he wanted to be the executor and the planner all rolled in one. I did not mind a few faults as long as they were manageable . He used to get pissed off with the smallest mistake. This would lead him to bad mouth all and sundry. And it did not make him popular with the workers at all. We had already run through three coordinators. The first left in a huff when she was brutally tongue lashed by my friend. The second could not take the pressure of our differences and the third left in tears cursing us both roundly for our egos getting in way of the completion of the project.

Things were getting out of hand. The deadline for completion of the project was fast approaching. And the end was nowhere in sight. The fact that our disagreements were getting in the way of completion of the project was not helping at all. The time for burying the differences was near at hand if we wanted to make a name for ourselves in the Market. The returns in terms of  cash was not much. What was important was we would be established in the market. I was determined to work out the differences that morning . By the afternoon it was clear that we were nowhere near what I set out to do. Was it not for the presence of the third party we may have come to blows.

My father told me that when you are banging your head against a wall it is best to come back with better weapons to destroy the wall. I had reached the end of my tether and there was no other option but to leave the scene with as much dignity as I could muster. I needed an outlet for my frustration. By evening, to unwind I went to the local pub 10 Downing street. Was it my fault that my friend also came to the same Bar that evening? When he entered I was already down a few. I did not think twice about baiting him. A whispered comment about him to my companion (loud enough for him to hear) and raucous laughter thereafter got the desired result. My friend came at me at full tilt. I was waiting for him. All the pent up frustration of the past few days boiled over. We were soon at each others throats, punching each other on every exposed part of the body. The other revelers joined with great enthusiasm. Each scoring punch progressively diminished my anger and my intoxication. Soon neither my friend nor I were trying to avoid each others blows. We were just punching each other with the intent to do maximum damage.The bouncers who were in a stupor suddenly came alive and efficiently separated us and threw us out of the Bar. The ignominious exit cooled off our ardor somewhat and we went our separate ways.

The next morning when we met again it was as if nothing had happened the evening before. We were very businesslike. In the following days we ironed out most of our differences with regard to the project and - surprise of surprise - we completed the project in the given deadline. Our work was duly appreciated and in the next few years our symbiotic relationship - My organization and his creativity - earned us lot of projects. Along the way our animosity gave way to genuine friendship. Not that my friend or I changed ourselves much. He was still an impatient man who did not tolerate stupidity and inefficiency and I was always wanting to experiment...

Over a period of time he became a reputed photographer with a client list which read like the who's who of the celebrities and glitterati and I went my own way all over the world. I meet him most of the time when I am in town. And we still laugh at our first encounter.
"Why are we going to meet him?" I asked tentatively. You must meet him because he has lot of ideas which if they fructify will yield phenomenal results. When we reached his place he was alone in the house. I could understand why my friend took the trouble to explain about his friend. The moment we sat down to a cup of tea he immediately formulated an opinion about me. And then went on to dispassionately dissect the performance of his son at a recent cycle race. But i could see that in that dissection there was also pride in the performance of his son. We threw around a few ideas and soon it was time to leave this feisty person and chew over the ideas that he had thrown at me.
Hoping to meet him soon...Again...

Swami Guruvananda

Swami Guruvananda blessed the young couple. The baby was making a gurgling sound of laughter when he tickled it under the chin".How uncomplicated the lives of the young are!" Guruvananda thought; He was tired but happy. It was fulfilling to see people go away from the ashram happy and with a look of serenity on their faces. As he made his way back to his quarters his thoughts went back to that fateful day when the lady reporter all but accused the Swamiji, his Guruji, of illicit relationship with Maya. The Swamiji answered all the questions patiently and with lot of restraint. His demeanor was what impressed everyone about his sincerity and his truthfulness. The reporters who had come to the Ashram sensing a big story left singing praises of the Swamiji.

To continue Guruvananda's story:-

I was relieved with the outcome of the press conference. I had no doubts that things would go back to normal. I could not have been more mistaken. The sedate life of serenity we led at the ashram was about to change in a manner that I had not anticipated. After the press conference, the Swamiji became very thoughtful . He took part in the daily prayer meetings but he was withdrawn. He spent more and more time in solitude. His penances became more severe.He now had lesser time for his disciples. Though he did not cut himself off totally from the day to day activities of the ashram, there was still this feeling of something being wrong, After discussion with the other inmates of the Ashram I decided to confront the Guruji. While I could not ask him questions directly I decided that I had to inform him of the concern in the Ashram with regard to his aloofness. And so, when one day it was my turn to look after the Swamiji, I decided to ask him about his reticence.

Perhaps the Swamiji sensed my disquietude. And he smiled that benign smile of his and said " Son I sense that you want to ask me something. Before you say any thing let me guess what is bothering you". He raised his hand to quieten my protestations. " while I would like to live a life of peace and serenity the occurrences in the Ashram of the recent times have proved that no one is beyond being affected by Maya. By Maya I mean the illusions that we are under. To a large extent your friend from the USA was not wrong when he said that we are all subject to illusions. In my case it was the fact that I was affected by Maya who is now in our Ashram."

"As we progress in life what is it that we are looking for?" Saying this the Swamiji looked at me with his piercing eyes. I immediately dropped my gaze from his scrutiny. I was not sure as to how to answer him. He then answered his own question. " We are looking for genuineness in our existence.We are looking for people to accept us for what we are. No hidden meanings in what we speak and truthfulness in our actions. By this I mean that there are no ulterior motives associated with whatever we say are do. Every word that we speak is taken at it's face value and acted upon as such. when we have achieved this then we are on the path to true Nirvana. Everything else we say or do has to be towards achieving this end."

"When I was taking personal attention in Maya people attributed it to my physically being attracted to her. This had me thinking over the past few days . And this is the reason that I have been withdrawn . It was time for introspection.I have failed myself in the quest for higher things in life.I feel that a lot has to be done towards this end. We all desire to be close to the higher power. Sooner or later everyone turns to God. Some with more intensity than the others. I feel that in my case , as I progress in life the desire to get closer to God becomes stronger. Hence I have to take certain drastic decisions."

Instinctively I knew what the Swamiji was trying to tell me. Already I felt bereft at the thought of losing the Swamiji. Would I be able to bear the impending loss? I knew I was being selfish. Like a child who would rather be in the protective embrace of his mother than face the world I also did not want to be separated  from the Swamiji.

In the next few days against all my expectations the Swamiji made preparations for his impending departure. He still attended all the daily meetings and carried on with providing solace to the lost souls of this world. In fact he seemed more lively than ever before.

Sooner than later the blow finally fell. One night immediately after the night prayers, one of the disciples came to me with summons from the Swamiji. I immediately repaired to his hut. I was the last to arrive. There were already a few of the chosen disciples, including Maya present in the hut. As soon as I arrived the Swamiji got up and said " Life is a progression of events. Some good and some bad. It is how you view them that makes them good or bad. You are all aware of the events of the past few days. While many of you are dismayed and maybe disappointed, I regard these as a positive sign for me to move on . I have therefore decided that I require solitude and peace to meditate in a more concentrated manner on God. I intend to head into the Himalayas to discover myself and in the process discover the supreme Being. Once before I endeavored to leave but probably I was not ready to do so. But now I see that the time has come." We were all stunned beyond words . The Ashram without the Swamiji seemed unimaginable. One of the younger disciples put this thought into words when he asked the Swamiji "But Swamiji who will look after us? Who will guide us in difficult times?
The Swamiji was silent for a time . We all waited patiently for the Swamiji to speak further. It was as if he was meditating . Then he opened his eyes and his gaze rested on me.I found it difficult to breathe. The Swamiji said " Guruvananda has been with me for the longest time. He understands my teachings the most. He is a man of compassion and believes in the goodness of all human beings. He will be your new guru. I hereby rename him as Swami Guruvananda. " Saying this the Swamiji walked towards me and made as if to hug me. My eyes were full of tears and I fell at his feet saying " I am not ready for this Guruji. I cannot fill the void left by you." The Swamiji raised me to my feet and hugged me. He said " Are we ever ready for anything in this world? For the happiness , sadness , backstabbings, disappointments, pleasure, pain etc? But when it does happen to us we learn to cope and at times our experiences become the examples for someone else. Dear Guruvananda you have been ready for a long time. It was only my reluctance to leave which has held you back. Nothing will make me happier than leaving the Ashram in your capable hands. He then turned to Maya and said to her " Dear Maya you have, of all my disciples, seen pain at close quarters. In the time that you have been here you have endeared yourself to one and all. Your ability to willingly undertake all tasks without complaining is outstanding. I am sure that you have learnt to handle life with greater equanimity than before. However,you have your entire life before you. If you so desire you can  leave now and make a life for yourself. .....
After this the Swamiji desired to be alone. No amount of pleading that I would like to stay with him had any effect. Finally I left him alone.
In the Morning, as was my practice I went to pay obeisance to the Swamiji. His hut was empty and clean. I knew that the Swamiji had left and I did not search for him . I knew he did not wish to be found.Wherever he was he would always be our guiding spirit. But I did know that he would want me to continue his legacy of compassion and love. And this is what I am striving to do . Someday I know that I will meet the Swamiji again. But when this would happen I am not sure..... 

Press Conference II

The silence hung heavy on the Ashram. . It was accentuated by the clearness with which we could hear the birds at this time of the day. Somewhere in the distance a vehicle backfired. It sounded like the harsh sound of a rifle firing a single shot. The question posed by the lady reporter hung like the Sword of Damocles over the gathering. Then the Swamiji got up from his seat and walked to the front edge of the podium. This movement caused the tension to break like a dam under intense pressure of water. The noise rose in crescendo. Now that the question had been asked , every reporter added his/her own twist to the question-
"Swamiji how did you come in contact with Maya?"
"Is it true you knew her from before your move to the spiritual realm?"
"Were you and Maya lovers earlier?"
"Why has Maya chosen your Ashram of all those available?"
"Which Political Party are you associated with?"
"Do you support abortion?"
"What are you doing for the underprivileged people of this country?"
"Is it true that the Americans are funding your Ashram?"
"Why is it that you are not Married?"
"Is it true that your Parents are still alive?"
The questions went from sublime to ridiculous. My mind was in a turmoil.How would the Swamiji survive this verbal onslaught? Was it time to put an end to the press conference? My heart went out to the Swamiji.All through this, the Swamiji was quite and composed. When the reporters ran out of questions he started to speak.
"When I was young " he said " I was playing outside in the garden. I found a bird in the garden, on the ground . It's wing was broken and it was making pitiful attempts to fly.  My heart went out to the bird. My life's ambition at that moment was to help the bird recover from it's injury and see it fly again. Every waking moment of mine was spent in administering to the bird. I assiduously worked on making sure that the bird was taken care of. My exertions paid off when one day the bird was healed. It started flying - first in short bursts and  when it was totally healed it flew away. While the heart grieved at the loss of the bird as a companion, my mind was filled with joy in the knowledge that the bird finally was able to fly away to it's independence. This gave me a lot of peace of mind. At that point of time I found my calling."
The Swamiji paused and surveyed the gathering with eyes full of compassion. " At some point of time - like the bird with the broken wing, we are beset with difficulties in our life. We need an external force - a guidance - to help us overcome these difficulties. When we are willing to look outside ourselves to get help, we are accepting the fact that we are at our wits' end. When Maya came to me she was on the verge of a total breakdown. Circumstances and to a large extent her own doings were responsible for her breakdown. She rejected love from her near and dear ones and found solace in acting out her rebellions.The time had came for her to set right the wrongs in her life.. As was the case with everyone else who came to the ashram for help, I started taking care of her . Further interaction made me realise that she required extra attention. She was at that vulnerable stage where she had to be handled very delicately. And so I began spending more time with her . Trying to help her break out of her depression and start living a normal life. While I could not certainly bring back her father I could help her accept the loss and get on with her life. The Idea being that like the bird that flew away after being healed she would get back to her life and live it more meaningfully. This was not the case.
Maya, in spite of gaining peace wanted to do more. She realised that there were many people in this world who would require someone to hold her hand much the same as she was guided in time of crisis.She should also help other people . And this was possible only by becoming a part of the ashram.  Initially I tried to dissuade her saying that she was young and had a career to look forward to. But when she was strong in her desire to help people I started spending time with her to help her smooth transition from a person of the world to a Sanyasin. I am happy to say that she has completely assimilated my teachings and is now in a position to work on others. She is a dedicated to the service of humanity and in the short time she has spent here she has done a lot of good to a lot of people.
With that the Swamiji got up and made to leave the Podium. Immediately there were protests about his leaving but the Swamiji raised his arms for silence and said " I have answered your questions to the best of my ability and have nothing further to say". I would like to request you to kindly leave the Ashram peacefully. Trust has to be developed among human beings and I hope that you will entrust me with your belief....
The Swamiji left the stage. The press reporters took this as a signal for the end of the conference. However a few persistent ones tried to question me. My stand was already clarified by my Swamiji, when he left. I declined to answer any questions and followed the Swamiji.
Did the allegations have any impact on the Swamiji? I was not sure...

The Press Conference

There was a general sense of excitement at the Ashram. Today was the landmark day for the Ashram. The Swamiji was to hold a press conference. Normally he shunned the media. His contention was that - however we wanted to express ourselves the media always managed to twist the the words to ensure that their channel or news paper sold the most. It is these people who are capable of spreading the hate and discontentment in the world. He said " For example take the case of Maya. Forget the fact that she is a troubled soul and is in dire need of solace and peace of mind. The media always attaches ulterior motives to the actions of the celebrities. So much so that they have started linking her name to mine in a derogatory sort of manner." I looked at the Swamiji in surprise and astonishment. He said" Don't look so surprised. I am aware of what is happening in this world. I am not entirely immune to the occurrences in the Ashram." "But Swamiji" I protested " You always say that one should withdraw from the world ,while working towards the ultimate goal of Nirvana." The Swamiji was very amused at my reply. He said " My son when I said that one should withdraw from the world , probably I was being unclear in my communication. I accept my mistake in all humility. I meant that one should not let the events occurring in the world affect your ability to concentrate on the task at hand. Even when one is unconscious , one is aware of ones' surroundings. You are willfully meditating. This meditation will only ensure that irrespective of your concentration things will go on in the world. Your ability to keep all things that distract you at an arms length are what will help you attain your ultimate goal." Suddenly things became clear to me . Nevertheless I could not resist asking the Swamiji as to why he wanted to hold the press conference.
  The Swamiji said " As I told you earlier, There have been tasteless rumours floating around. While they do not affect me personally they are definitely having an adverse  affect on other Ashram inmates and all those people who come here to pray and meditate. People are looking in askance at the very foundation of this Ashram which is to offer people a better alternative to lead their lives in Peace and Harmony. Once in a while it is better to nip the rumour in the bud rather than allow it to become uncontrollable at a later stage. There are innumerable examples where a spark neglected burnt down the house". Moreover communication is very important to put forth ones'point of view".
By this time we had reached the designated area where the press people had gathered for the conference. I could see that the press was sharpening their knives. I could not help but make a comparison between the press and the vultures waiting to feed on the carrion. The press was out in full force. I could see that they were very restless. For, unlike in other press conferences , where they were offered refreshments, here they were served with only tea and water. I think that it was a deliberate ploy to tell the press that we lived an austere life and that the main purpose was to put forth the views of the Swamiji on various aspects of the functioning of the Ashram.It was not wrong to say that in spite of their restlessness the press persons were slightly intimidated by the ir surroundings. At first they were all quite and were given no encouragement whatsoever by the Swamiji. Finally the Swamiji decided to break the ice by giving his point of view rather than waiting for questions from the press.
"My dear fellow human beings," he said; "I am distressed at the various rumours floating around with regard to activities in this Ashram. You are also aware that I am averse to having the press pry into the affairs of the ashram. It is for this reason that I do not allow the press or the media into the ashram. I now realise that it has it has adversely affected the functioning of this Ashram.People used to come here for gaining peace of mind. Alas now they come here more out of curiosity as to what is happening here rather than meditating and praying. People are looking at each other in suspicion and distrust. Much as I would have liked to let things carry on as they are I have realised that unless I make the position clear things are not going to be as serene as they were before. I may also like to add - in spite of it being labeled as pontification - that it is natural for people to indulge in gossip. Rumours are what keep the world moving. Like your body which requires exercise your tongues also requires exercise. What must be kept in in mind is that this gossip should as far as possible not hurt others physiologically and psychologically. When this happens it is time to offer clarifications so that the Miasma of uncertainty is cleared. It is for this reason that i am present here in front of you. Our activities are an open book and I am sure that you will also realise this as we progress into the conference.
I had never seen the Swamiji so moved during the entire time I was at the ashram. Normally a word from him would quieten the most disturbed mind. and he used this gift of communicating with the least number of words to a great effect. this was a new side of the Swamiji that I had never seen before. I realised that while the Swamiji wanted to set things right at the Ashram at the earliest. As soon as the Swamiji concluded his remarks many reporters were on their feet waving their hands seeking the attention of the Swamiji.Now came the surprising part. The Swamiji did not favour any particular reporter. He allowed them clamour among themselves to gain the right to ask the first question. A mature older man finally won out. He respectfully saluted the Swamiji and then posed his question. "Swamiji as is evident you are not very old - yet you have renounced the ways of the world and become a Sanyasi..."
"My son it is the cycle of life. One need not necessarily be old and infirm before he decides to give up the ways of the world and become a sanyasi. Some people show early signs of  intelligence and become great scientists and statesmen. Some people learn compassion and start feeling the pain and suffering in the world at a very young stage. While some of these people go into depression and give up altogether on life and become useless to the society. Moreover it is not always the realisation but also the circumstances which guide a person to give up the ways of life and turn to piety. In my case it was some of all. The overriding factor was my desire to serve the humanity".
By now the noise level in the conference area increased much more. Did you go to the Himalayas? Who was your guru? How much money do you charge your Disciples? Do you promote Family Planning? Where else do you have your Ashrams? Which Television Channel are you associated with? Do you set rates for your donations? What Miracles have you performed?
At this point the Swamiji raised his hand for silence.
"Miracles?" He said; " This life itself is a miracle. You are all aware that with the present advances in technology and science it has been possible to decipher the composition of the living being. However just by putting all the ingredients together will not give rise to a new being. That requires divine intervention. Beyond this what else can be a miracle? Do you want me to conjure things out of the blue? Any magician can do it...
And so the conference went on - the press bombarding the Swamiji with questions and the Swamiji taking time and answering each question deliberately, with compassion and patience. Just when I was breathing a sigh of relief that the conference was being successfully meandering to an end a voice cut through the murmur. One of the lady reporters asked in a clear voice which carried across for all to hear- "Swamiji you speak of piety and purity and calmness of mind and body yet there are reports that you have been consorting with Maya the famous model . I have come to know that you have been spending more time with her in private than all your other Disciples put together. It is quite surprising that a new disciple should be given so much time." The lady reporter's voice took on a mocking tone and she continued " Or are you enamoured by this extremely beautiful and famous celbrity?"
The dangerous question was asked and there was absolute silence in the press conference area. Everyone was silent and were waiting with bated breath  for the Swamiji's reaction. ...

Musings

Swamiji why do we celebrate Festivals? Or for that matter Birth, growing up, milestones in life,marriage , and death? After all life is but a cycle. Birth , growing up and death occur in natural progression. What is a given does not really need to be celebrated. yet we take time off to celebrate all sorts of things . Time which could be used to Pray is spent in frivolous things like celebrations. Why is this so? The Swamiji appeared to be in deep thought and did not reply to my question immediately. He seemed to be meditating and had his eyes closed. I waited for sometime and was going to prompt him when he opened his eyes and looked at me with deep compassion. In anticipation of insights into life I held my silence. Then the Swamiji said " a life without any change - day in and day out becomes very drab and colourless. We require to break the monotony of life. Moreover your contention that celebrations are a waste of time is wrong. In a roundabout manner these celebrations are an assertion of the very essence of life and they constantly underline the presence of a superior force which guides us throughout our life. Man is a thinking being who can express himself . Which is generally not true of other animals. On the days of celebration Man assures himself of a superior force. On these days he reaffirms his faith in God and renews his vows of a clean life. In a way these celebrations are a way to remember God. And hence are a part of life.
Maya
Maya continued her story about giving everything up and joining the Ashram. She said " it was difficult for me to get away from my glitzy life and join the Ashram.The constant attention which was given to me was almost addictive. At the same time the guilt that I was the cause of pain for my mother who sacrificed her entire life to look after me consumed me. My endeavours to find my mother all ended in a miserable failure. My desire to make amends for my rebellious behaviour grew day by day. I remembered her patience and gentleness even when I committed mistakes. Even when I slept her images floated in front of my eyes. I started losing sleep and along with it my sang froid. The tension started affecting my life and my work. The best of food and comforts did not alleviate my distress. At that time we went for a photo shoot in the hills of Dehradun .

From the first day everything went wrong. A session for which I would have no re-takes earlier did not come out right even after a number of repetitions. I told my director that I would require a break for a day or two. He was generous enough to give me a break with the promise that I would complete my assignment in time . In desperation I sought divine intervention . My search brought me to the Ashram of the Swamiji. It was a life changing experience for me. There was this aura emanating from the Swamiji which made me feel protected and loved . All my fears were washed away and I felt safe.
Initially I wanted to go back to my life as a celebrity. But somewhere along the way I realised that I was happier at the Ashram, where nothing else mattered other than the service to mankind. I have now spent more than an year in the Ashram. I am at peace with the world and all my demons have been exorcised.

There has been talk of my linkages with the Swamiji. But this did not bother me. What do people know about true love and for that matter what do people understand about devotion and piety. We are immersed in lies which slowly become the guiding forces of our life.It is in human nature to Gossip, quarrel and indulge in innuendos. Should we take cognizance of every little thing that affects us?

Guruvananda

I have a friend in the USA.He lives in the bay area.I have known him for long. Recently when I was relating the story of my journey to the Swamiji's feet he called me selfish. At first I did not understand what he was trying to say - then I spent some time hoping to decipher his rather cryptic criticism After all no one likes to be called selfish. As far as I was concerned I was pure as driven snow with no perceivable fault. Frequent introspection revealed no discernible flaw in my personality. Then why did my friend make this statement about my being selfish?

I have gained no insights into my nature on the this profound statement of my friend. But after hearing the story of Maya further analysis of my self did reveal some flaws. We do not seek solace in God until some drastic life changing situation affects us. Even then how many people really heed these course corrections that God gives us once in a while? I was guilty of becoming jealous of  Maya because of her proximity to the Swamiji. But after getting to know her better I realised that it is best to leave things alone if one is to have peace of mind...

Maya's Story

Swamiji why do we pray? After all animals are also living like us and they do not pray... The Swamiji seemed a bit taken aback by this question. But then he said " My dear Guruvananda - while to many your question may seem odd, I understand what you are trying to ask. During one's lifetime - like a bank balance we accumulate a number of sins. We have to ensure that we improve our Karma during our lifetime. If we have to right the balance then we have to ameliorate our sins . We can do this only through constantly trying to get close to God through the medium of prayers.As to your question as to why animals do not pray - well the life of an animal is such that during its lifetime - in the event of  any perceived sin- an animal suffers hell and then passes on into its next life. Moreover the level of intelligence in a human is such that he can differentiate between the right and wrong.
Slowly through the gentle teachings of the Guruji I was learning more about the universe and of myself. However this did not bring me any closer to how I would tackle the issue of knowing my fellow human beings better. After the Guruji told me to speak to Maya, to understand her better, I was still not knowing as to how I would approach the matter. Of course during the day to day activities I did observe her working at various tasks at the Ashram. I did come to realise that sh was a very organised person and that she put her heart and soul in any task assigned to her. I also researched her in the various Magazine and printed matter shed about her. As she rose to fame she was linked to many rich and famous persons . whiffs of scandal and her achievements went side by side as also her championing the causes of the orphans and the underprivileged...
At the end she still remained an enigma too me. ever since she joined the ashram speculations were rife in the media and people were wondering as to her motives. A tabloid newspaper went so far as to link her romantically to the Swamiji. And this was what was bothering me the most. Much as I knew in my heart that this was not possible, I knew that I needed the answers to my doubts.
Sometimes fiction becomes fact with repetition. And this piece of fiction was threatening to invade the peace and equanimity of the Ashram.As a person who cared much about the well being of the ashram It was up to me to do something to make this unsavory rumours go away. And to do this I needed to get to the bottom of the whole Maya episode. And so one fine morning when we had just finished our prayers I went up to Maya and said to her " Maya I am sure that you as well as everyone else here are aware of the rumours floating around. I need to know more about you before I can speak with conviction about these rumours being true or otherwise." Maya looked at me with sadness and said" Yes I am aware and to understand me you have to know my life story." She asked me to wait while she fetched her diaries.When she came back she handed me her diaries and asked me to read them.And this is what I read...
Maya's Diaries
My mother is getting married today. I am probably one of those few who are able to see their parent(S) get remarried again. In a way I was happy for her. At the same time this event also signalled the end of my father in the true sense of word. Fourteen years back my mother married a clerk from the electricity department. I was born two years later. When I became aware of my surroundings my father was already a sick man, Wasting away in the clutches of an unknown disease. For me he was always the one who was at home and - while he could not participate in my games - he was always there to conso;e me in case I got injured while playing. Mother used to be away most of the day working at the job father had to give up due to his infirmity. Her evenings were spent looking after dad and attending to my needs before we retired for the night. My father was a encyclopedia of stories and when I was tired from the day's exertions I used to cuddle up to him and he would tell me stories. The Moral of the stories was always the same - do not fritter away your life; Work hard and diligently and make something of it. And so the seed of ambition was planted in my mind.

14 July 1998
I was going to school. I was 10 years old. as was my habit I bid goodbye to my dad and left for school. It was after summer vacations and the excitement of new uniforms and books and new admissions kept me occupied, till the school ended. I came home tired but happy. As soon as I reached I realised that something was wrong. I was surprised to see mother at home. She was grim faced . In stern tones she told me that father had passed away. I started weeping. In my childish mind there was that overwhelming feeling of sorrow that I was not present at his bedside in his last moments. In some perverse way I blamed my mother for this mishap. I felt that had she been at home my father would  have been better looked after and would probably been alive. The first seeds of rebellion were sown.

8 Nov 1999
After my father's death it was all downhill. I had become a willful and spoilt brat. The anger at my mother was still there. As a result my grades suffered. At best I was an average student , barely scraping through my exams. Was it troubling? Yes it was. But this was the only way I could punish my mother for her lapses. The feeling of hurt at my mother deserting my father  was still fresh in my mind , My mom was tired of working day and night to make the ends meet. Moreover being alone at a reasonably young age did not sit well with her. This made her impatient with me and in turn I got more alienated towards her. Things like respect and honour which she valued very highly were the very things which I wanted to denigrate and abuse. This manifested in diobedience and non attendance of classes in the school. Then in 2000 my mother got married again. I knew my step father could not replace my father. It was  - from my side- hate at first sight . Again a human Fallacy where we are prejudiced right fro the beginning about people or things or for that matter food. For example I never liked Bitter gourd as a child but now I enjoy the various preparations of this wonderful , medicinal vegetable. 

My step Father turned out to be a person with immense amount of patience. In spite of my constant efforts to anger him he never rose up to the bait. In fact his decency irritated me more than anything else. Why could he not conform to my views of what a step father should be? In fact this made me all the more determined to go against my mother ( Who I felt had betrayed my father ) and my step Father . No amount of goodness on his part convinced me to be decent to him. In a number of little ways I started exhibiting my rebelliousness and independence.  I barely cleared my boards with the minimum passing marks. By this time I had decided that I would not follow the beaten path of academics. I branched off into the most challenging and a disreputable profession in the eyes of many Middle income people - modelling.

At first the going was tough. This only made me more determined to succeed at what I had set out to do. Luckily I was blessed with good looks...As the years passed I slowly moved up the rungs of the ladder to success. Now ther was no looking back. Almost three years passed since I left my parent . During this period I had no contact with them - though they did try to contact me. Those were the days. I was the toast of the town. I wined and dined with the best. I had no encumbrances in the form of Parents, Siblings or for that matter Friends . I was flying high and thought that I was happy. Somewhere along the line, Life comes back a full circle. What you have been striving to achieve all your life seems to have become a cipher. And so it was with me. One day I woke up feeling low. No amount of telling myself that I had a lot to look forward to could alleviate the feeling of doom. For the next few days I cut myself off from the regular rut of parties and assignments. Just like a young child who searches for the comfort of it's Mother's bosom I went back to my pre- modelling days to mend fences with my mother . To my consternation I found that my parents had moved out of the old neighbourhood with no forwarding address. From then on I attended the modelling sessions mechanically. I threw myself into my work. It did not help. 

That is when I heard of Swamiji and his Ashram. With little to lose and a lot to gain I came to the Swamiji for help and succor. I had heard a lot about the Swamiji in my circle. When I did get my time with him I asked him about my restlessness. He said " often people come to cross roads in their life when they are convinced that they are on the wrong path. It is when they have to decide what they want to do with their life. It may mean that they have to come out of their comfort zone and attempt something new .  Many people are either lazy to do this or are scared of the consequences. You are at that stage in life where you have to make a decision as to what it is in life that you are looking for - and do you have the courage to attempt to gain peace of mind. I will not force you to do anything . You have to work it out for yourself". I thought a lot about it. Prior to my decision to joining Ashram I had immersed myself in charitable activities and it gave me a lot of peace of mind. That is when I decided to join the Ashram full time. Achievements which seemed important to me earlier no longer thrilled me .What did give me peace of mind was the look of gratitude on the face of an impoverished individual. That is when Ii decided to come to the Ashram...