Incarceration

Bouts of paranoia interspersed with moments of sanity. That is how she remembered her path to recovery. In her heart she knew that she had rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. She could not recollect much that had happened. She did remember though, that as time passed she did not like going out of the house. It was her poor daughter who had to bear the brunt of all the work. At times she was very nasty with her going so far as to imply that the girl was involved in secret trysts with her boyfriends. Even as she made these unreasonable accusations she knew that she was wrong. But she could not stop herself. It was as if something external was controlling her. She felt a sadistic pleasure when she accused her,  reveling in her daughter's discomfiture.

She also had recollections of unreasoning terror - during the nights - when everything had fallen silent and the whole city was sleeping. Fear that she was being spied upon. That she was being overheard and that the aerials outside her house controlled the radio waves emanating from her house. She would suddenly wake up in the night to bouts of terror, screaming silently. Things had reached a stage where she started suspecting her neighbours of being part of this whole spying game.
When she first moved into the apartments she was welcomed as a young widow with two children to bring up. Everyone was sympathetic to her and would go out of their way to help her. Soon she developed excellent rapport with all of them. She was particular about her surroundings and ensured that the menials did their job properly. So much so that the apartment dwellers were only too happy to appoint her the secretary of the society. Her husband's past contacts were also very helpful and assisted her in getting a job in a semi government organisation. This helped augment her savings and look after her children.As the time passed her children grew up. And along with it her fears. As she looked at it, her daughter would find her life partner and soon go away. She would be isolated and left alone to look after her son. Her greatest fear was - what if she fell ill? Then who would look after her son? These negative thoughts kept her awake during the long winter nights, affecting her work and her sang froid. Would her neighbours be as patient with her as they were now? Would her friends come to meet her as before? What would happen when she got old?

All these thoughts and the helplessness of the situation made her lose sleep. Soon she started becoming depressed. Her stomach was always in a tight knot. Everything she did - every interaction she had - somehow did not feel right. In her depression she started eating more and more and put on weight. She started doubting every single action of people around her and started picking up fights with her neighbours. She accused them - illogically - of plotting to rob her. Her fears progressively grew worse and she stopped going out of the house even to buy vegetables and daily necessities. She trusted no one. At home things were no better. She doubted her daughter and ignored her son. This led to frequent fights. Over a period of time the quarrels got more and more bitter.

Then on that fateful day Ramona came to visit her. Ramona her classmate from school. Of all the classmates only Ramona kept in touch with her. It was probably because they both went to college together. But on that day she could only feel bitterness for Ramona. Neeraja felt that everything was going right for Ramona. She had moved abroad, had cute children and a loving husband. The thoughts just would not go away. Finally she told Ramona that she had come to rob her jewelry and that she was a witch. The shocked look on Ramona's face only made her want to hurt Ramona more. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind she knew that what she was doing was wrong. One part of her grieved at her own stupidity in ruining a perfectly good relationship and the other exulted in her new found ability to look at things independently. The outcome was far from satisfactory though - Ramona made her excuses and left early.

A few days later another of her classmates, Dr Shiv Narayan Sharma came to visit her. Along with him was Venkatswamy. At first she was puzzled as to why they were visiting her after such a long time. It was almost 30 Years since she saw them both at the passing out from the school. Any how they clarified that they were passing by and had dropped in to say hello. Neeraja thought it odd but she let it go. After they left she did not remember much about what they talked. Her life since then was restricted to the confines of her home.

This time she was in a murderous rage.The origins of her fight with her daughter slipped her mind. But what she did remember was that she wanted to beat sense into her daughter. To this end she started belaboring her daughter mercilessly - that is - until her daughter locked herself in her room. While she was contemplating as to how to get at her daughter and complete the task of knocking sense into her, she heard the doorbell ring. Dr Shiv Narayan and Venkataswamy were again making a visit . She was civil with them and looked in askance at this visit of theirs. Venkataswamy told her that since during the last visit when she told him about her diabetes, they had found a good reliable doctor who would help her work on controlling her disease. Though she did not buy their story, with much persuasion Neeraja agreed to go to the doctor. Her daughter was called from her room and they proceeded to go to the doctor.

Neeraja knew that something was not right when she saw conspiratorial looks pass between her daughter and her classmates. That is when she decided to jump out of the moving transport. The difference between her thought and her action was minimal. She felt the shock of pain as she landed on the road. In spite of her wanting to run away from the spot she could not do so. Her legs were paining.As she consistently refused to go further in spite of her daughter and her friends insistence. Just as her classmates all but gave up her daughter walked up to her and slapped her hard on the face. All her daughter's pent up frustration came to the fore and translated itself into that powerful backhanded slap. Neeraja could taste blood on her lips. Possibly the shock of her dear gentle daughter turning violent did something for Neeraja. She quietly got into the vehicle and  the journey was resumed. The last thing she remembered was that she was being dragged into the hospital kicking and screaming.