Funeral III - Change

 Day 6 - Immersion

The religious ceremonies were fast drawing to a close. The time to collect the ashes and immerse them in the river had come. The entire family opted to go for this religiously sanctioned outing. It gave everyone a reason to get out of the gloomy atmosphere of the premises where they had been incarcerated for the past five days. A trip to the nearest river took up the entire day. It also gave us all an opportunity to finally bid farewell to the  remains of the person in question. Of course as at every other place, there were touts who were ever ready to fleece us in this emotional state. The task at hand was completed. The feeling of relief was palpable. It also gave us an excuse to consume palatable food at a roadside Dhaba. We rationalized that Dhabas do not cater to our sentiments. The dishes quickly vanished from the table - It was a revelation to see how much each of us could consume. It was as if we had been starved for the past few days...Food does makea difference to the mood.We returned back to the house in an uplifted frame of mind. The prospect of spending the remaining four days with the family did not seem daunting at all.....

Day 7 - The 7 Minutes 

The affairs at home started limping back to normalcy. It is a recorded fact that the grief of passing of a loved one lasted precisely for 7 Minutes. Thereafter, how sad you felt depended on how miserable you wanted to be. I disagree with this cold assessment. A lifelong association and the memories involved – and the fact that these past moments never come back are enough to leave you grieving the past. The time had come to take comfort in each other’s presence and also speculate as to how the future would pan out with this life changing event ....The tranquillity associated with knowing that the stressful moments of someone’s passing were soon going to be a thing of the past also kept everyone in a equable frame of mind.

              Day 8 - Realization

Preparations were under way for the tenth day. The house was abuzz with muted excitement. Relatives and friends who were unable to attend the funeral now started coming in droves. Many wanted to stay over to help in preparation for the final day. Perhaps to assuage their guilt that they could not come for the funeral. There were others who came out of sheer curiosity to see whether we siblings had murdered each other over the past few days of forced incarceration. Then there were those few who genuinely came to condole the death of a loved one. They were the people whose life was affected in a positive manner by the deceased person. We also learnt about these new facets of our parent . Some of the stories were pretty moving and our hearts swelled with pride with the knowledge that our parent would always find a place in the heart of many people across the country. Religious ceremonies proceeded as per the norms.... 

Day 9 - Rationalisation 

Perhaps there was a reason for these long drawn rituals. One that I could discern immediately was, that finally, after all these years, the frequent visits to the cemetery for the rituals inured us to death. In an indirect fashion we stopped worrying about death. We learnt to rationalise that death is indeed a part of life. At some point in time we all have to ‘Kick the bucket’.

More important was the fact we learnt how to cope with each other. For a protracted period we had  not spent  time with each other – having been busy ‘settling down in life’. This enforced interaction since we were children helped us rediscover each other – again. Made us realise the importance of spending time together. See each other in a new light. All the bitterness and anger were a thing of the past.  We learnt to appreciate each other. No more pointless ego hassles. Our ancestors when they devised these rituals had had this in mind. I was convinced of this now. In a way the rituals helped us cope with what we lost and learned how to move ahead in life. We were all co-operating to complete the rituals like a well oiled machine. The past was forgotten along with the associated bitterness.

Costs were high. When it came to financial aspects there was no sympathy on part of the vendors. In fact the moment they knew that the ceremony pertained to the last rituals the prices (I suspect) were hiked up. The vendors knew that since it was an emotional matter we would pay without any haggling.

Day 10 - End Game

The day started early. Shivering in the morning we had a cold water bath. The hypnotic chanting of the Brahmins from the Vedas kept us awake – but in a somnolent state. Sitting on the floor for a protracted time was a real test of one’s inner strength. At some point of time we just gave in to the torture and conducted the rituals in a mechanical manner. Even while the conduct of the rituals was on, friends, well wishers and relatives started arriving. Out of the corner of my eye I could see them talking to each other. I was surprised that the talk was more about current day government, gossip about doings of the people who were not present and about anything and everything except about the person who had passed away. In fact I also heard someone criticising the caterer saying that the caterer we had hired used too much oil and his food was not all that tasty. As the day progressed the day’s proceedings slowly meandered to a closure. There was restlessness among the guests . I suppose that they were feeling the hunger pangs. “Good let them wait” I thought maliciously. In more ways than one, this gathering – while not the happiest one – was beneficial in that we picked up threads with people we had not met in a long time. It was then that it struck me that it was a good way to reconnect with others. The lunch was a solemn affair. Probably the impending eulogy of the dead was weighing heavily on everyone’s mind. Not many of us were skilled speakers and the need to dredge our memories to say good things about a person who was no more.... All in all the eulogy went off well. We as the offspring learnt a lot of things about the deceased parent. And it was all good.

My mind went back in time. I reminisced about the good and the bad times. Memories of my parents and by association,my siblings, which had faded with time - and been obliterated by the stresses of daily life and work - suddenly pushed themselves to the fore.  I realised that life had dealt a good hand to all of us. This realisation made me feel closer to them now than ever before. I like to think that this was the case with my brothers and sisters also.

The visitors gradually dispersed, after a hearty meal. Some thanked us and thereafter left – having nothing else to say – while others had some good things to say – still some others left offering us advice as to how it would be advantageous to us to stick together in these times of difficulty. This was irritating. But there was little we could do other than nod our heads sagely. At the end of the day – something we did not look forward to – we were drained of our energy.

Conclusion

The time to get back to our day to day life was at hand. These past few days were a time for rediscovering ourselves and our near and dear ones. We were finally secure in the knowledge that we were not alone and there was always someone there looking out for us and for each other. But then while time is a great healer it also dims our memories.....