Recovery

She hated the incarceration at the hospital. And she fought it every inch of the way. She gave a hard time to the nurses and at one point of time she remembered biting one of them. Not that they were very sympathetic towards her. It was like no other hospital she had been to before in her life. Through the nights , the attacks of terror continued. She felt sorry for herself and for her poor lonely children at home. This did not deter her from being a difficult patient. She only ate the hospital food when she felt weak from hunger. She craved for something sweet . She had a sweet tooth and her cravings became worse as the days passed. By the third day her non cooperation became a major irritant for the hospital staff.She was left alone. Not even her daughter was allowed to visit her .This solitude somehow gave her time to reflect on her actions in the past few months. finally she started coming to terms with the fact that something was seriously wrong with her. The sheer frustration of the solitude made her want to end it all. She was handicapped by the fact that she was under constant observation - and even if she wanted to do something drastic she did not find anything suitable to assist her in ending her life.

By the sixth day she realised that the only way she could get out of this hell hole was to submit to the treatment. She indicated as much to the nurse who came to check her vitals. But when they started treating her she rebelled. She could not help herself.

The doctors finally decided that the only way to treat her was to submit her to shock therapy. That morning Neeraja was treated extra nicely. The nurse led her to a room where she was suddenly immobilised and tied dowm . She felt something like headphones being placed over her head. Then she felt extreme pain and her body loosening up all over . The last thing she remembered was the horrible smell of burning flesh - and then she lost consciousness. When she came to the nurse shoved some pills in her mouth - and held her nose closed until she gagged and swallowed the pills.
She came to dread the shock treatment. Her whole time was spent dreading the next shock therapy.
As the time passed - rather than suffer further  shock treatment she started cooperating with the hospital staff and submitted to the oral treatment. Slowly but surely she was put on the path to recovery. Now her daughter came to visit her regularly and brought her home cooked food. In spite of all these happenings her brothers never came to visit her. She  accepted the fact that they were a thing of past. But what did hurt her was that her father never came to visit her. When she was a growing girl, Neeraja was her father's favourite .Now in spite of suffering her father maintained a continued silence.

The treatment had eased off and all that it now contained of was a few pills in the morning and night and group therapy to condition her to ease into normal day to day routine , once she got out of the hospital. She looked forward to getting out. She had spent about 45 days in the hospital. And the atmosphere at the hospital was starting to pall on her. Her release came sooner rather than later. That day her daughter came to the hospital looking rather grim and puffy eyed. Neeraja did not dare to ask her daughter what was wrong. But she felt it intuitively. She felt terrible and all sort of thoughts were running in her mind - the foremost being something was wrong with her son.

She berated herself silently for not cooperating with the doctors earlier. She would then have been home much earlier. Now because of her stupidity her release was inordinately delayed. While she was letting her imagination run wild her daughter came to inform her that she was going home. The time had come for Neeraja to take that final step to recovery - re integrate into the day to day humdrum of daily life.

It was when she was with her daughter in the cab that her daughter started crying. Neeraj's relief at being released was short lived. She wanted to reach out to her daughter to comfort her . But her memories of hospitalisation and the daughter's behavior prior to hospitalisation came in the way . Finally her daughter said " It is grand father - he passed away this morning...

Incarceration

Bouts of paranoia interspersed with moments of sanity. That is how she remembered her path to recovery. In her heart she knew that she had rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. She could not recollect much that had happened. She did remember though, that as time passed she did not like going out of the house. It was her poor daughter who had to bear the brunt of all the work. At times she was very nasty with her going so far as to imply that the girl was involved in secret trysts with her boyfriends. Even as she made these unreasonable accusations she knew that she was wrong. But she could not stop herself. It was as if something external was controlling her. She felt a sadistic pleasure when she accused her,  reveling in her daughter's discomfiture.

She also had recollections of unreasoning terror - during the nights - when everything had fallen silent and the whole city was sleeping. Fear that she was being spied upon. That she was being overheard and that the aerials outside her house controlled the radio waves emanating from her house. She would suddenly wake up in the night to bouts of terror, screaming silently. Things had reached a stage where she started suspecting her neighbours of being part of this whole spying game.
When she first moved into the apartments she was welcomed as a young widow with two children to bring up. Everyone was sympathetic to her and would go out of their way to help her. Soon she developed excellent rapport with all of them. She was particular about her surroundings and ensured that the menials did their job properly. So much so that the apartment dwellers were only too happy to appoint her the secretary of the society. Her husband's past contacts were also very helpful and assisted her in getting a job in a semi government organisation. This helped augment her savings and look after her children.As the time passed her children grew up. And along with it her fears. As she looked at it, her daughter would find her life partner and soon go away. She would be isolated and left alone to look after her son. Her greatest fear was - what if she fell ill? Then who would look after her son? These negative thoughts kept her awake during the long winter nights, affecting her work and her sang froid. Would her neighbours be as patient with her as they were now? Would her friends come to meet her as before? What would happen when she got old?

All these thoughts and the helplessness of the situation made her lose sleep. Soon she started becoming depressed. Her stomach was always in a tight knot. Everything she did - every interaction she had - somehow did not feel right. In her depression she started eating more and more and put on weight. She started doubting every single action of people around her and started picking up fights with her neighbours. She accused them - illogically - of plotting to rob her. Her fears progressively grew worse and she stopped going out of the house even to buy vegetables and daily necessities. She trusted no one. At home things were no better. She doubted her daughter and ignored her son. This led to frequent fights. Over a period of time the quarrels got more and more bitter.

Then on that fateful day Ramona came to visit her. Ramona her classmate from school. Of all the classmates only Ramona kept in touch with her. It was probably because they both went to college together. But on that day she could only feel bitterness for Ramona. Neeraja felt that everything was going right for Ramona. She had moved abroad, had cute children and a loving husband. The thoughts just would not go away. Finally she told Ramona that she had come to rob her jewelry and that she was a witch. The shocked look on Ramona's face only made her want to hurt Ramona more. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind she knew that what she was doing was wrong. One part of her grieved at her own stupidity in ruining a perfectly good relationship and the other exulted in her new found ability to look at things independently. The outcome was far from satisfactory though - Ramona made her excuses and left early.

A few days later another of her classmates, Dr Shiv Narayan Sharma came to visit her. Along with him was Venkatswamy. At first she was puzzled as to why they were visiting her after such a long time. It was almost 30 Years since she saw them both at the passing out from the school. Any how they clarified that they were passing by and had dropped in to say hello. Neeraja thought it odd but she let it go. After they left she did not remember much about what they talked. Her life since then was restricted to the confines of her home.

This time she was in a murderous rage.The origins of her fight with her daughter slipped her mind. But what she did remember was that she wanted to beat sense into her daughter. To this end she started belaboring her daughter mercilessly - that is - until her daughter locked herself in her room. While she was contemplating as to how to get at her daughter and complete the task of knocking sense into her, she heard the doorbell ring. Dr Shiv Narayan and Venkataswamy were again making a visit . She was civil with them and looked in askance at this visit of theirs. Venkataswamy told her that since during the last visit when she told him about her diabetes, they had found a good reliable doctor who would help her work on controlling her disease. Though she did not buy their story, with much persuasion Neeraja agreed to go to the doctor. Her daughter was called from her room and they proceeded to go to the doctor.

Neeraja knew that something was not right when she saw conspiratorial looks pass between her daughter and her classmates. That is when she decided to jump out of the moving transport. The difference between her thought and her action was minimal. She felt the shock of pain as she landed on the road. In spite of her wanting to run away from the spot she could not do so. Her legs were paining.As she consistently refused to go further in spite of her daughter and her friends insistence. Just as her classmates all but gave up her daughter walked up to her and slapped her hard on the face. All her daughter's pent up frustration came to the fore and translated itself into that powerful backhanded slap. Neeraja could taste blood on her lips. Possibly the shock of her dear gentle daughter turning violent did something for Neeraja. She quietly got into the vehicle and  the journey was resumed. The last thing she remembered was that she was being dragged into the hospital kicking and screaming.