Choices

The day when she was prematurely released from the hospital would forever be etched in her mind for times to come. When her daughter told her that Neeraja's father passed away she was struck dumb. She did not know what to say or do. Tears eluded her and thus the emotional release she craved for was denied to her. All she could remember was her silent castigation of her dad when he did not visit her in the hospital when she was ill. Little did she realise  that her dad was in no condition to visit her during her hospitalisation. She went through the rituals of appeasing her father's soul like an automaton. Her life as it was had reached the nadir. Now the only recourse left for her was to bring some normalcy into her otherwise shattered existence. One thought was foremost in her mind - she would never ever let herself slide back into the depths of helplessness again. To this end she embraced her continuing treatment wholeheartedly. She set herself small goals . It was like learning to walk again. Soon she started reintegration into normal life. One day at a time was her motto . Somehow she could never regain the relationship with her daughter. Their conversation was stilted and  and awkward. The mental breakdown reared its ugly head in their relationship.

As time passed her daughter became more reticent about her activities. So it was no surprise when she brought home Vangipurapu Narayan Rao and introduced her to her mother as her life partner. Neeraja was shocked at her daughters decision. But then she rationalised thinking that her daughter was very much capable of making her own decisions. With a pang she knew that it was only a matter of time before her daughter left home.

The marriage was a quite affair. Her brothers were still not on talking terms with her. But now it had to do more with inheritance than with the past intransigencies. Sadly Neeraja realised that life would now be full of such tensions with no buffer between her and the workings of the world. 

Her son on the other hand was not improving. Having cleared his intermediate exams he was becoming more erratic and uncontrollable. When he got bored at home he resorted to violence against his mother thrashing her black and blue. The thing was it seemed like he enjoyed beating her up. Soon Neeraja dreaded meeting her son. She started avoiding him and only came out of her room to cook and clean up when the boy was out of the house.

Finally in desperation she contacted Dr Shiv Narayan Sharma. That too when Ramona hounded her over the phone to do so. ShivNarayan indicated to her that she should put her son in the National institution for mentally handicapped. Neeraja thought long and hard about the possibility of putting her son in the programme . On the one hand her maternal instincts were aroused and she pictured her boy lonely and helpless in an alien environment and on the other hand she wondered how long she would be able to bear the physical abuse her son was meting out to her. In the end she decided that if her son continued to stay at home then it would not be long before she would succumb to the physical abuse - the consequences of which would be too terrible for her son.  Her maternal instinct for the safety of her child and her own desire to survive in this world to see her son settle down to do something worthwhile won out . It was with a heavy heart that she bid adieu to her son.  Her son was actually happy to leave home and visit new places. But then mothers will be mothers.
Neeraja was now all alone. Time hung heavy on her hands. She was at loss to do something gainful. Though she taught the impoverished children in the school her father had established, it was the rest of the time in which she had nothing to do which bothered her. She made efforts to get back into the daily activities of  the apartments - but the apartment dwellers still looked on her with suspicion and distrust. She backed out of this project voluntarily. The idle time played havoc with her mind and there were times when she contemplated suicide. To be embraced by the welcoming arms of death seemed to here as a viable option. She smiled remembering the old adage " An idle mind is a devil's workshop";  There was a time when she would complain about the immense amount of trouble her children used to put her to.Now she hated being alone with nothing to do .When these attacks became severe she was forced to re-examine all her options, in sheer desperation.

During a conversation in the past she recollected someone mentioning the Ashram of Swamiji in Deharadun. He was reputed to be a no nonsense person who was caring and sincere. He was known to be particularly good with people having mental issues. After a  lot of contemplation she finally decided that since there was nothing to hold her back at home , this seemed to be the best option. Having dealt with all her pending issues she left for the Ashram in the hope that it would provide her with the elusive mental peace that she so much craved for.....